Living life inside memories is a life lived in endings.
The attraction to the edges of gold and gratitude draw me in, only to discover over and over they surround a deep well of joy and loss.
My mind turning to a memory; my heart expands with golden joy, love, laughter, peaceful light; brightens my heart.
It is fools gold; the closer I get, the further in I go, I lose touch with the present.
I become one with the memory.
I am as addicted to the edges as I am to the inevitability of the well.
I want to relive the edges of pleasure, evoke the joy, ever knowing the deep pain of longing will soon overcome me.
I am lulled initially as if into the endless bliss of the shimmer and warmth of swimming in the expanse of the blue green Arabian Gulf.
Then today, the truth, rolls in; dark rain laden clouds emerge across the sky and the ocean, once reflecting a clear blue sky, becomes murky grey dense black, and I with it.
All is dark. I am lost, again.
I have a heart full of memories, they are the past. They are unrepeatable.
To live one’s life, my life, back there, is to lose today.
I know this, and yet I choose powerlessness and pain, alongside the knowingness of hopeful hopelessness.
I have put pleasure, joy, connection, belonging, love, giving and receiving; the truth of today’s potentiality into the non-existent hands of yesterday.
I have put my yesterdays into my todays and into a future of; ‘Please Sir, may I have some more?’
All days, have become places of hopelessness, desperation, powerlessness, filled with unfillable requests, and are resident with my deep truth-fear that there is no more to be had, for me.
A memory, joyfilled or hurtfilled, is a moment.
To cling to it is to live into a boundary belief determining that is all that is; that a moment is a life.
To live in memories is to grieve one’s life away.
There is a fog no art will lift.
There is no seerer with the date or the way.
There is only hopeless hoping.
And: as sure as fog and pain exist; there are voices gentle with love, calling us forward.
Make a dent in the couch for as long as you want.
I will sit beside you.
Walk until you wear out the soles of as many shoes as you need to.I will walk with you.
And Listen: for one day, the pain will lessen, the fog will lift, the strength of your heart will reemerge and choice will reappear.
Choice, love, is a living promise.
And I promise, love is here.