I am trusting myself. I am.
Month: December 2013
I remember looking at you and thinking, dam he is married (separated but married) – then weeks later a ‘draw’ showed up as I stood at the work site when you walked across the parking lot in that blue suit after a day of training – and you asked me to explain something about a distinction that was unclear to you and I felt this ‘deep pull’ to be in your orbit – so I let myself give over to it, and here We are.
There became this ‘energy’ of knowingness and trust that we both knew and both, at times, deeply trusted. We made lists of Bliss – it was so easy…there was such ease.
You were very clear with me, that you didn’t want to love me, and yet you do. It’s sad to me that for you it’s not a celebratory love, I’d say its a ‘distancing love’. You know it and you don’t like that you do, you don’t trust it or yourself or me – so you keep me ‘away’ and I bet you try very hard to wish it away and ignore it. And when it shows up in your heart, it makes you mad at yourself and at me. That sucks. I would wish you could be in the joy of it – be in the experience of it as fun, happy, pleasurable, caring, safe, feeling valued, joy filled, present. For me, I still see your photo and I truly smile and think of you smiling back with your wicked grin or asking me something that’s interesting or irritating to you and we meander around the topic or we are just being quiet beside each other or laughing at goats or silly things or talking about the crazy idea of sitting in gold ornate chairs at the movies or you are telling me some interesting people experience…or best is you just ‘being’ in your contented uncluttered energy. I can imagine you in all those ways and even now I feel free, happy, excited, quiet and abit giggly inside. You bring out the best of me – that’s what was the draw of you for me – I experienced you being genuinely happy for whatever I was up to -because I let you and you let me see my essence.
I don’t want to change you. I don’t. I want to be ‘with’ you – to be in each others’ orbits. I know its a change you’re not going to step into. That’s my deep loss. I can only say that I trust the alchemy of us. For me it is real and true. It exists in your slow smile that reaches across space and time where you show yourself as the truth of you – a loving, smart, sexy human that shines out into the world – even from behind your sun glasses.
I know you are not wanting to hurt me. You have not broken a promise or led me down a wrong path. I am responsible for my experience of you and my love is ‘what happened’ I do not regret or wish it had not happened. I love you and that’s been an experience of joy for me. Losing you, is my loss and that is my sadness and disappointment, which is just life and freedom of choice and the very real risk of allowing oneself to deeply appreciate another.
You have been a true gift in my life – not because of bliss inducing sex or because you held my broken soul or because you ‘were available’ – you have been a true gift because I experienced myself in relationship with another soul and the collective gloriousness that emerged had me really experience myself and another in our sacred value and worth. I’m a very very grateful person for that immeasurable gift.
So there you are, my experience of Love – in all your magical ways. And there you go, smiling and shining your brightness on the next grateful souls. My deepest wish is for you to know your value and to experience a love with another that richly nourishes you.